I very recently ended a relationship with a man I truly deeply love. I did not want to end it and I am still raw with pain and feverish with the attendant grief, sorrow, despair, anger, remorse and disappointment that comes with a break up. However, this break-up was a major paradigm shift for me. It is the first time in my life I have ever been in the driver’s seat at the end of a relationship and the shift is about me standing for and backing ME rather than being the victim, a role I only now realise I have chosen and played to a tee for so much of my life.
In every other significant and intimate relationship in my life, I have hung on until the bitter end, until the other person had no choice but to let go, because the fear of not having anyone else come into the space, of being the bad guy, of being alone, unloveable and unworthy was greater than my ability to love and trust myself. I looked outside for validation and I sought external acknowledgment and references to figure out who I was and how I was showing up in the world. To me, any attention at all was an affirmation that I was ‘wanted’ even if the attention was negative, abusive or depleting. And although its too soon to tell whether my stepping up and breaking up with a man I deeply love and care about does truly signify a radical transformation in how I respond to my inner and outer world, even this small baby step has indeed been a giant leap in my own evolution of consciousness. From now on, I vow to recognise when a relationship is not serving me at my highest self and for the greatest good, and I vow to step away from the toxicity I have tangoed with all my life.
I receive various ‘energy’ reports from about half a dozen different sources from around the world and though I have struggled with the ultimate debate of “man’s search for meaning in a meaningless world”, the specific consistencies of these reports is inescapable and even my “non-spiritual” friends echo the belief that there is a lot going on at the moment and massive change is underway. What all of these energy reports say is that this is a time of tremendous planetary action, momentum and upheaval. For those of us mortal beings having a human experience, we have a choice to cross over into a new expanded way of being or remain in the familiarity and comfort of the old small sandbox. For those of us who are ready to challenge the status quo and set a new standard, we must act with nothing less than rigorous self-honesty and we must therefore let go of anything that is not in alignment with who we are at the highest level – people, places, things, behaviours, patterns and stories that keep us stuck on the treadmill or mired in quicksand. Ultimately, this is about walking your talk and being consistent in thought, word and deed. It is the first of The Four Agreements – “Be impeccable with your word”.
A few hours ago, I resigned my role as “godmother” for the daughter of someone who used to be a great friend but is now someone I have barely seen or spoken to since the child was born. Perhaps the “godmother” tag is really nothing more than a gratuitous label and maybe it doesn’t make any difference to her or to anyone if I fulfil my ‘godmotherly duties’ or not but I don’t want to play that game anymore. Its the “lets catch up soon” mantra – a throw-out line that is insincere, inauthentic and diminishing. If I’m going to be someone’s godmother, I want to honour that role as sacred and inviolable and give that child the time, the love and the commitment I believe a god-child deserves. I don’t feel I can do that here. The truth is that her mother and I have not had a real from-the-heart conversation in years and me now walking my talk and backing myself at the highest level mandates a spring-clean from the inside-out. Its time to call “bullshit” and risk being called ‘a bitch’ in the process, risk being the bad guy for once in order to be my own good guy from here on out.
I was with a counsellor a few weeks ago to help navigate my feelings around this dying relationship. At the end of our session I said “no matter what happens, I am done being single. That chapter in my life is finished and I am in partnership now for the duration. So, even if this particular relationship ends, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone even more amazing will come into the space very quickly”. He looked at me for a few moments and then he smiled. “Yes that is correct,” he said. “I can feel it and see it too. You will never be single again because you are finally coming together with yourself.” Whoa! That is not what I had meant at all but that simple statement contained a profound realisation. In backing ourself, in standing for and speaking our own truth, we merge the different parts of ourself that have felt unheard, rejected, abandoned (and we realise that as adults, no one else ever really abandons us – we only abandon ourselves) and we become whole and when that happens, we truly understand that what we seek on the outside is absolutely within us at all times.
I was at a retreat up in Byron Bay a few weeks ago and a very wise and beloved friend observed that when we fall in love with someone, we believe we have found what we are looking for but really, that person is only a mirror to us. When we fall in love, we stop seeking and when we stop seeking, we are able to feel, see, know and experience ourselves at the highest level – the real and authentic us – that we project onto the person we are in relationship with. It is an illusion to believe it is the other person that brings us joy, contentment, love and happiness. When the relationship ends, we start seeking again and it is the act of seeking – not the lack of a significant and intimate other – that brings loneliness, heart-ache and suffering.
Right now, I still feel a great aching loss and a hole in my heart (and if I am brutally honest – indescribable frustration that he didn’t step up and fight for us) but at the same time, I can also feel the sense of a deep peace and fulfilment for doing the right thing by me at the highest level. The duality here is that I’m not sure how I feel about being so merged and whole within myself that I no longer desire another but I don’t think I will ever go back to accepting anything less than ‘the real deal’.